She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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