thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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