You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
