He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
