Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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