Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your cock deserves a montage
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
