So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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