Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
