You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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