I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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