he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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