I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
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We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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