rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
