You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
