I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
