my mouth tastes like poor choices
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
