Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
