he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize