dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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