thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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