and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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