he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
