the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
