You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
