you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
