I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
