We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
