Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
