my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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