3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
