the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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