finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sext me about skeletons
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
