Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it's great music for shaving your balls
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
