At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
