i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The uberlube is also flammable
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
