and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
