Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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