dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
