OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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