i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
