i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
