I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
