I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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