i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
