You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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