Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
