i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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