Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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