i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
