Little spoons don't ask big questions
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
