Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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