look no pants
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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