I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
