Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
